The Hellsing Files
by ToMakeMeTame
Summary: There's nothing better than watching your favorite Hellsing characters be bruised and abused- especially at the hands of their co-workers. Watch as Alucard films the madness from behind a conveniently placed rock... and narrowly dodges a silver ashtray.
1. Autographs

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Autographs**

Seras was walking to the store one day with Pip when a little girl stopped her on the sidewalk. "Miss," she said, holding out a piece of paper, "Can I have your autograph?"

Seras and Pip exchanged looks, but then Seras shrugged. "Um... okay. Who am I making it out to?"

The little girl looked perfectly serious as she dictated each word. "To Sally, the little girl who, when I die, will get my boobs."

Seras nearly needed to give Pip CPR after that one.

(85)

Moral- Little girls should be kept away from Seras at all costs.


	2. Odd

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Odd**

"Mum? You're alive?" Seras gasped.

"Yes, Seras, but I must leave again soon. I came to tell you something. Something important."

"What?"

"Seras... you always were a bit odd..."

Seras' jaw dropped. "You... you came back from the dead to tell me I'm _odd?"_

Her mother nodded feebly and closed her eyes, slipping back into the realm of the dead.

Seras fell into a very deep gloom.

(67)

Moral- Seras is odd. Duh.


	3. Questions

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Questions**

Seras entered Alucard's crypt one day. "Master, can I ask you a question?"

He looked up lazily from his chair. "What?"

"Have you ever gotten tapeworm?"

He stared at her. "What."

"Well, you're always ripping people's throats out. What if they had just eaten a tapeworm or something? You could DIE!"

"I'm already dead, Police Girl."

"No you're not! It'll eat all your food and then eat all your brains and then come out of your mouth like a second tongue and go 'sssssss'!" To emphasize this, she stuck her finger in front of her mouth and waggled it to imitate a tapeworm.

In one swift motion, Alucard was out of his chair and several Seras-shaped holes appeared in several walls. He sighed, sitting back in his chair. "Damn Police Girl."

(134)

Moral- Seras gets scared- and highly emotional- about STRANGE things.


	4. Pip

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Pip**

Alucard phased into Pip's room, grinning evilly. The mercenary was asleep, sprawled out on his bed and drooling, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "Seras, will you go to-" Alucard raised his eyebrow, staring at the Captain for a few moments before launching into his evil plan.

"Piiiiiiip..." he murmured, sinking into the shadows, out of sight. "Piiiiiiip..."

Pip woke with a start, clutching his blankets to his chest. "Hello? Who iz there?"

"Piiiiip..."

Not being able to see the culprit, Pip fainted in fear, and Alucard phased back into the basement, laughing hysterically.

(103)

Moral- This is what happens when Alucard gets bored. And yes, Pip fainted. If you have a problem with that, then we'll sic Shay and Akai on you (you'll meet them later).


	5. Showertime

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Showertime**

Alucard was bored. He was hanging upside down in the attic. Those new mercenaries were driving him insane, and this had been his retreat. He heard the water turn on up in one of the rooms downstairs. With a grin on his face, he decided that he was going to scare Police Girl in the shower.

Phasing downstairs (aka up), he zeroed in on the noise. He grinned wider and entered the shower silently, only to come face-to-face with a dripping, p.o-ed mercenary. Alucard paled. "You- you're not Police Girl..."

Pip blinked, surprised for a moment. "No, no I'm not, even though she iz really- MERDE!!!! GET OUT OF ZE SHOWER!"

Alucard disappeared, slowly regenerating his head.

(120)

Moral- Do NOT disturb Pip while he is in the shower. He keeps a gun on his person at all times.

**AN- Has anybody else ever wondered how long his hair is when it's not in a braid? It must take a LOT of shampoo, not to mention conditioner...**


	6. Throwing Things

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Throwing Things**

"Throws something at you..."

Integra growled. He had been doing this for the past ten minutes with his biggest grin pasted on his face. "SHUT UP, Alucard."

"Throws something at you..."

"SHUT UP, Alucard!"

"Throws something at you..."

"ALUCARD, SHUT IT!"

"Throws something at y-"

BANG.

Integra's pistol was in her hand and there was yet another hole in Alucard's head. He smirked. "Throws something at you..."

"AAAAAAARGH!!!!"

Integra ran from the room howling at her pet vampire, who was still smirking.

(87)

Moral- Alucard loves to annoy Integra.


	7. Hat

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Hat**

_Why doesn't his hat ever come off?_ Pip wondered, watching Alucard walk on the ceiling to Integra's office. He sat there, pondering this for a while. Suddenly, a voice snapped him back to reality.

"...Why are you staring at the ceiling?" asked a certain draculina.

"Oh, h-hi, Seras," he stuttered. "I'm trying to figure out why Alucard's hat never comes off. Does he glue it or something?"

"Oh, Master's hat? No he doesn't glue it, but I've only ever seen it off a couple times."

Pip grinned. "Let's get it."

Seras agreed wholeheartedly.

xXx

The next time Seras and Pip saw the Nosferatu, they launched into their plan. Waiting until he had passed, Pip leaped onto his back, pulling and tugging on his hat. It didn't come off.

Alucard growled, backhanded the hapless mercenary, and Pip flew back into a wall several meters back. "Don't. Touch. My. Hat," he growled, glaring at the pair with his I'm-gonna-kill-you look.

They shrunk back some feet, and Alucard continued on his merry way.

(157)

Moral- Don't touch Alucard's hat. He is the ONLY ONE allowed to touch it.


	8. Inching

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Inching**

As Alucard is dive-bombing the aircraft carrier in manga 5-

Rip looked up and her eyes widened. She began screaming. "It's a bird! It's plane! It's ALUCARD!"

All of the other soldiers and men on the ship slowly inched away a couple more feet.

(42)

Moral- To some people, Alucard looks like a bird (and/or a plane, but that one doesn't count).


	9. Soda

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Soda**

Pip's Shirley Temple had been sitting there for only five minutes, but Alucard couldn't stand it. It looked like bubbly water and blood mixed together, and he wanted to try it. Looking around to make sure that the Frenchman wasn't coming back, he gingerly picked up the drink and sniffed it. He didn't like it.

He looked around once more, then dumped it out over his shoulder, set the cup back down on the table, and walked away grinning.

xXx

Later, Pip walked down to Alucard's crypt. He was fuming over the loss of his precious soda. No one else he had asked had known anything about it, so the only suspect left was the Nosferatu. He stopped at the door, eyeing it nervously, before taking a deep breath and knocking. Alucard's deep voice answered. "Yes?"

Pip opened the door, glaring at him. "Did you drink my Shirley Temple?"

Alucard grinned hugely. "No, how could I?"

"What did you do to it then?"

"What, me?" The vampire pointed to himself, trying to look innocent. "I didn't do anything."

"Yes you did."

Alucard's grin reappeared. "Well, what are you going to do about it?"

Pip paled and walked off.

(200)

Moral- Pip is scared of Alucard but loves his soda enough to actually confront him about it (It's a good thing he walked away when he did).


	10. Cookies

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Cookies**

Halloween night. Alucard's least favorite time of the year. Every year, Integra made him hand out candy in one of the stupidest costumes he'd ever laid eyes on. And they got stupider every year.

This year, however, was particularly bad. This year, he had to be that stupid, fuzzy, blue, cookie-obsessed THING from Sesame Street **(AN- NOT MINE). **What made this night even worse was the fact that he had to hand out cookies instead of candy.

He sighed, waiting for the next group of kids to arrive at the door singing the trick-or-treat song. "Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me somezing good to eat! If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear!" sang a VERY familiar, French-accented voice. Alucard scowled. Great. The French Pig was coming to make his night even worse.

A knock sounded on the door. Growling slightly, he opened it to the grinning faces of the French Pig and Police Girl, dressed respectively in Dracula and Mina Harker costumes.

Alucard's eyes widened and he slammed the door shut. Pip laughed. "I knew zat he would do zat," Alucard heard him chuckle. Stripping off the Cookie Monster costume, he started to phase through the door to knock the crap out of that damned mercenary.

"ALUCARD!" Integra's voice screamed from inside the house. "GET BACK IN THE COSTUME NOW!"

Alucard scowled. He _hated _Halloween.

(231)

Moral- And that, dear children, is why you never go to the Hellsing manor in a Dracula costume.


	11. Mountain Climbing

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Mountain Climbing**

Pip and Seras scowled. Truth or Dare with Alucard _never_ turned out well. Now, he had phased them over to the French Alps. Pip's homeland, yes, but still, the French _Alps._

The pair were now on top of one of the ledges on a mountain, holding ladles as ice picks (Alucard had laughed hysterically when he made _that_ one up). Nothing bad was going to happen, he had reassured them, but they had to act ceratin things out while he hid with a camera.

Following the 'script' that the Nosferatu had given them (and hating it), Pip promptly fell off the ledge onto another ledge below. He was caught gently by an unknown force (presumably Alucard; Integra would kill her pet if he let the mercenary die) only a moment before hitting the ground. Grimacing, he held his leg in 'pain' and started to howl with fake anguish. Seras' face appeared over the ledge, looking concerned. "Are you okay?"

"No," he murmured, hating Alucard with a passion. "I think I broke my leg. Wait, no it was this leg..."

Seras' face disappeared, and a second later she had landed next to him, unwrapping a sheet from inside her shirt. "Okay, now I fold it lengthwise," she muttered, glaring at a large boulder near which Pip could see a glimpse of red cloth. "Then I fold it this way, and then again, and now I make a splint."

They heard an evil chuckle and both turned to give a death glare to the boulder. "Hurry up," Pip hissed, and the blonde girl nodded.

"Okay." Sighing, she wrapped his leg in the sheet and pressed it down. Pip rolled his eyes, vowing to someday get even with the elder vampire. "OW. I think I'm dying," he said monotonously.

Seras nodded. "Yeah. I think you're dying too."

"Wow, I really am! Are you a fortuneteller?"

Seras hid a smirk behind one hand, but continued with the script. "Sure. Well, since you're dying, I'm going to leave you now."

"Okay. Wait, before you go-" Pip scowled and dug around in his pocket, pulling out a few francs. "Will you give these to Alucard for me?"

Behind the boulder, they heard Alucard burst out laughing. Seras glared at the boulder, snatched the money, and walked away, leaving Pip on the ground behind her.

Meanwhile, Alucard was behind the boulder, holding the camera and clutching his sides from laughing so hard. Seras snuck up behind him and grabbed his hat. "PIP!" she squealed, grabbing the mercenary's hand and hiding behind another boulder. "I'VE GOT IT!"

Alucard's day went from good to very, very angry.

(375)

Moral- Pip is a very bad actor.

**AN- We got this idea from a skit we saw while hiking in the mountains. We stayed at a cabin overnight, and the lodge staff was rather... er... **_**interesting.**_** They performed a skit along the lines of this, except there was no Alucard hiding behind a boulder with a camera. We modified several bits. So, technically, we own only about three parts of this chapter. R+R!**


	12. Camping

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Camping**

"We're going camping," announced Pip and Seras one day, walking into Integra's office.

Integra raised her eyebrow. "Alone?"

"Well, it's either alone or with Master, and that is _not going to happen,"_ said Seras, scowling.

A smile tugged at the corners of Integra's lips. "Very well. Where are you going?"

Pip shrugged. "Just to zat littel stream over by the boundary line," he said nonchalantly.

"Have fun," Integra replied, waiting until the pair had left earshot before bursting out laughing.

xXx

Seras and Pip trekked though the wood to the stream and waterfalls at the edge of the Hellsing property. Upon reaching it, they sat down their packs on a rock and pulled off their shoes wearily. Pip shook his head, stripped off his gloves, and rinsed his face in the clear water. Grinning slightly, he looked at Seras out of the corner of his eye. She was watching the ripples from her bare feet in the water.

Pip dunked his hand in again and flicked water at her. She squealed, wiping the water out of her eyes with a still-gloved hand. "Pip! What the hell was that for?"

Pip shrugged, grinning. "I don't know," he said slowly, enjoying the look on her face and not noticing her hand snaking into the water until he got a face full.

He spluttered. "Hey!" He shoved her lightly. She shoved back. He fell backwards into the water. "Oi! What was zat for?"

She grinned back at him. "I don't know," she mimicked. Pip grabbed her foot and tugged, and she came tumbling into the water next to him.

xXx

A few hours later, they were standing, still damp, in front of Integra, bright red and looking sheepishly at their feet. "YOU DID _WHAT?"_

(290)

Moral- Maybe Pip and Seras need parental supervision...


	13. Fireworks

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Fireworks**

!BANG!FWEEEE!KRISH!

Walter entered Integra's office, a somber expression on his face. "Sir Integra, it seems our friend Pip Bernadotte, the mercenary captain, has let fireworks off in the grounds again."

Integra growled and buried her head in her hands as she heard yet another window. "Not again..."

(50)

Moral- Pip like fireworks. And yes, fireworks DO go !krish!


	14. M&Ms

**The Hellsing Files**

**-M&M's**

Little Integra had found Alucard's weakness. Starting at the door to his crypt, she placed a red M&M every few feet, hiding around a corner whenever she could. Finishing up at the door to her new office, she quickly rushed back down to the basement to see the vampire down on his hands and knees picking up the candy one by one.

She ran back to her office and waited, fiddling with a giant bag of red M&M's in the process. When he had reached the door, the Nosferatu phased through, looking for more.

Integra grinned, holding up the bag. "Sit," she commanded, pointing at the floor. Alucard sat, sitting on his haunches like a dog.

Integra smirked. This was going to be fun.

(124)

Moral- Alucard has WEIRD weaknesses.


	15. Kisses

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Kisses**

Seras stared at Pip's body, going though a mental dilemma. _H-he's dead,_ she thought, _But.. But... he kissed me again!_ Her thought went back and forth like that until she found which was worse: he had gotten yet another kiss out of her.

(43)

Moral- Seras doesn't want to admit that she actually loved Pip back.

**AN- Yes, kinda sad, I know. But we have an excuse: We were bored, hyper, it was a five hour car ride stuck with an extremely preppy girl, and we were in major Pip/Seras paring mode. We just had to write something slightly fluffy and sad. Although I still don't see how S (the authoress of this one; she'll eventually get an account, but her compy's having problems) managed to write this while we were hyper off of soda and pizza...**


	16. Kei

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Kei**

Integra had called Alucard into her office. She sighed. "I thought I should warn you, Alucard." She paused.

Alucard narrowed his eyes. "What?"

"_He's _coming back."

Alucard blinked. "The French Pig? He's already here."

Integra interrupted him. "No. The other _he."_

Alucard twitched, and he phased into the shadows.

xXx

"HOLY HELL!" a male voice exclaimed. Its owner was spinning in rapid circles in the courtyard. A certain mercenary walked over to him, causing the other to stop. They stared at each other, then the hyper one shouted out, "Hey lady, what's your name? Kei is Kei Yagami!"

Pip twitched, pulling out his gun. "My name iz Pip Bernadotte." He then proceeded to blow out several windows, causing Kei to go running.

He ran inside, in the direction of Integra's office. "SIR INTEGRA!" he bawled. "THE LADY IS SHOOTING AT KEI!" He tripped over his brown wolf's tail into her office, just remembering to bow.

Integra sighed. "Welcome, Kei Yanguri, Hellsing agent."

Kei grinned, running his hand thorugh his brown hair and over his brown wolf ears, with the other resting on his pink belt. His brown, bushy tail wagged happily. "It's good to be back, Sir."

(199)

Moral- Kei is a total moron (and an OC, too, if you hadn't guessed). And he speaks in third person.

**AN- No, we don't own Kei (pronounced Kay). He is the property of KRISH-un's friend. And most of you are probably like 'Why did Kei call Pip a lady?' Well, think about it. Most men don't go around with a super-long blonde braid. Although there were plenty of distinguishing features that most women wouldn't go near with a twenty-foot pole... so that just means Kei is a total idiot. XD**


	17. Akai and Shay

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Akai and Shay**

A slim female figure followed Kei into Integras office, her silver hair swinging gracefully and her silver cat ears twitching slightly as she stepped through the shadows. "Damn, Kei, could you be any more of a moron? He could have actually hurt me!" she said, slowly regenerating a hole in her arm.

Kei grinned. "Sorry, Akai."

The girl sighed. "Yeah, whatever." Turning her faded lavender eyes to Integra, she bowed. "Sir Integra."

Integra smiled. "Welcome, Akai Ekitai, back to Hellsing manor."

Akai's silver cat ears twitched as she straightened up. "Its nice to be back, Sir. Where's Alucard?"

Integra smiled. "His room. I only told him Kei was coming. He's sulking, most likely."

"Alright." Akai turned to leave, but was blocked by a familiar figure in red, holding someone dressed entirely in black.

He looked down at her and grinned slightly, glared at Kei, and turned to Integra. "Master, I'm sorry."

Integras eyes narrowed. "Alucard, please don't tell me you..." she trailed off, gazing at the unconscious woman's face.

Akai stared. "Oh my God, you didn't..."

Alucard nodded, ignoring Akai. "From what I can tell, the French Pig ordered her to spy on me some time ago. I'm surprised it took me so long to find out. It's been about two months, from what I can tell."

Integra glared at him. "She was the captain's best agent. _Why_ did you do it?"

Kei reached around the vampire and poked the womans face. "Ooooh..."

Alucard snapped at him, and he quickly withdrew his hand. Then the Nosferatu turned back to Integra. "Well, if she did that well as a human, imagine how well she'd do as a vampire."

Akai breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, okay..."

"This is going to increase the animosity between you and the captain, you know."

Alucard grinned. "Like I care. Have fun breaking the news to him." He turned to leave.

"Alucard."

He turned back. "Yes?"

"Do you even know her name?"

"Yes. Shay."

As if on cue, the woman in his arms groaned, and her eyes flickered open. "Oh, God, what the hell- Holy shit." She had seen Alucard's grinning face only inches above her own. She scowled, jumped out of his arms, flipped and landed nimbly on her feet... and kicked the vampire in the face. HARD.

He stumbled backwards from the force of the unexpected blow, and Akai let out a snicker. Shay glared at Alucard, flipping her waist-length, dark red hair out of her face. "You werent supposed to find me," she muttered through clenched teeth. She had a mix of an American and French accent, and grey eyes stared stormily out at Alucard from a pale white face.

Alucard grinned wider. "You did very well. It took me two months."

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

"Figure it out."

Shay turned her back on him and looked at Integra. "He turned me, didn't he? You wouldn't be staring at me like that if he hadn't."

Integra looked away and sighed. "Unfortunately, yes. He did turn you."

Shay sighed as well and sank into the nearest chair. "Oh well. Doesn't really change much, does it? Only now I answer to you and him"- she jerked her head towards the grinning vampire behind her- "instead of Pip."

"Yes."

Kei cut in. "You're a vampire now TOO?"

"Apparently."

He went wide-eyed and moved closer. "Can Kei touch you?"

She stared at him, suddenly wary. "No..."

"Pleeeeeeeeeease?" he begged, sticking out his bottom lip in a pathetic puppy-dog face.

"NO."

Akai interrupted further pleading with a question. Looking Shay up and down, she asked, "Do you enjoy looking like a slut, or is that a uniform?"

"I wear this because its _comfortable_," Shay spat, looking down at Akai before looking at her own outfit, which consisted of a form-fitting, black, cut-off tank top, form-fitting black shorts, black gloves, and thigh-high, lace-up black boots. "Plus, when I kick ass, Id prefer not having anything getting caught."

Intgegra glared at the two, cutting off the argument. "Shay, go with Alucard. He'll take you to a new room. Because of your new condition, you can no longer sleep in the Geese barracks. Akai, Kei, go with Walter."

The foursome nodded and headed out the door, where Walter took the werecat and -wolf away and Alucard took Shay down to the basement.

As soon as they were gone, Integra started slamming her head repeatedly on the desk. She had a feeling that this new arrangement would _not _turn out well.

(728)

Moral- This is what happens when three completely different OCs meet each other. (grins) You have to feel sorry for Integra.

**AN- Longest chapter yet! Hopefully longest of them all, because we had a lot to fit in here. We would have put a lot more in, but didn't want to make it any longer than it actually was. To see complete descriptions of all three of the new characters, visit my profile. I'll get them up as soon as I can. Also, Akai is pronounced ah-KAI.**


	18. Bubble

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Bubble**

"Go away, werewolf," Alucard snarled, glaring at Kei. The wolf was clinging to Alucard's leg in a death hold, giving him a pitiful puppy-dog-face that he alone could pull off.

"No," was the answer, and Kei squeezed harder, cutting off the non-existent circulation in Alucard's leg.

"Why are you here, anyways?" The vampire was quickly losing his patience with Kei, and it showed. His lip was curled in hatred as he glared down at the werewolf.

Kei grinned, meeting Alucard's glare with a happy grin. "Kei doesn't know..."

"You're invading my personal bubble."

Kei's eyes went wide. "You have a BUBBLE? Kei LIKES bubbles." He began to poke Alucard's knee.

That did it. Alucard's tolerance broke.

Wailing loudly, Kei was thrown from the room, and he landed in a heap at the foot of the opposite wall.

(141)

Moral- Alucard doesn't like it when his bubble is popped.


	19. Poke

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Poke**

Poke. Poke. Poke.

Shay twitched. "Leave me alone, Kiddy!"

Akai smirked, still poking the redhead.

Poke. Poke. Poke.

Shay growled. "Dammit, Akai! Leave me alone!"

Poke... Poke... Poke...

"AAAARGH!"

Akai ran from the room, laughing hysterically, a murderous-looking redhead at her heels.

(43)

Moral- Poke Shay and you will feel the (PAINFUL!!!) consequences. And... Akai is an asshole.

**AN- Any of you wondering why Shay calls Akai 'Kiddy'? Well, not only is Akai short, she wears clothes that Shay thinks only a little kid would wear. Plus, she's a werecat ('Kitty' and 'Kiddy'- They sound similar.). **

**Any of you wondering what Akai calls Shay? 'Slut'. Think back to the chapter where you meet them. **


	20. Rocks

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Rocks**

Seras sighed tiredly and shuffled to her room. It had been a long night, and 3 new arrivals- technically only two, since one had been a member of the Geese before- didn't make it any easier. She quickly stripped off her uniform and slid on her pajamas, brushed her teeth, and climbed tiredly into her coffin. The moment she dropped her head upon the pillow, she let out a howl of pain. She sat up straight, rubbing the back of her head gingerly.

"Owww…" She poked her pillow. It was hard. She dumped out the pillowcase, and several large, heavy rocks spilled out all over her bed. "Master…" she growled. "If this was your doing…"

She opened up a mental connection between herself and Alucard. _Master, did you put rocks in my pillowcase?_

_No._

_Well, then, who did?_

_There are three new arrivals, all of them with a mischievous streak. Ask them._

xXx

Meanwhile, Akai was in an air duct above the draculina's coffin, giggling hysterically.

(165)

Moral- Don't trust Akai with your pillowcase.


	21. Pizza

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Pizza**

"Akai-sama, Kei found pizza."

Akai stared with distaste at the moldy, green, wiggling pizza slice. "Is that from back when Pip ordered pizza?"

Kei nodded happily. "Mm-hmm!"

Akai grinned. "Oh, I have just the use for this..."

xXx

Shay was sitting serenely outside on the grounds, face turned upwards to the moon. Her eyes were closed, and she seemed perfectly calm.

Akai, grinning a grin that would make Alucard proud, walked up to her. "Hey, Shay..."

Shay's blood-red eyes opened, showing a distinctive pissed-off look. "What, Kiddy?"

A piece of green, moldy, wiggly pizza hit her square in the face. Akai cackled madly. "Take that, SLUT!"

The offending pizza slid slowly down Shay's face. She twitched, then pulled the _thing _off her face. "Kiddy-kat? You are SO FUCKIN' DEAD!"

Akai took one look at her face and bolted, cackling hysterically.

(143)

Moral- Don't keep pizza for more that two weeks or it gets scary AND IT REALLY DOES MOVE!!!! Oo

**AN- Most of this chapter was written by my amazing co-authoress, KRISH-un. And it is dedicated to Spastic Dhampir, who has made me laugh hysterically on more than one occasion with their review for EVERY chapter... **


	22. Voices

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Voices**

There were voices. Loud voices. Alucard decided to investigate. He entered the room. Pip and Seras stood less than a foot away from each other, screaming in each other's face.

"Bitch!"

"Bastard!"

"Bitch!"

"Bastard!"

"Bitch!"

"Bastard!"

Alucard twitched. He strode over to the center of the room, unnoticed by the squabbling pair. A grin beginning to form on his face, he slammed their heads together.

The result was not what he had expected. Their lips locked.

At that moment, Integra entered the room. "WHAT IN BLOODY HELL IS-" She stopped short, staring unabashedly at the couple.

The mercenary and draculina pulled apart, their faces beet red. They both turned to Alucard simultaneously. "BASTARD!"

Then they marched out of the room.

Integra turned to Alucard and sighed. "You made it worse."

He grinned evilly and phased into the shadows.

(139)

Moral- Alucard likes to mess with relationships. And is extremely sexy (-growls and holds on tight- MINE. NO TOUCHY MY ALUCARD.).


	23. Evil Bunny Part One

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Evil Bunny (part one)**

"Aw, Pip, look! It's a bunny!" Seras squealed as she saw the rabbit on the grounds. The two were taking a walk, bored.

Pip nodded. I 'ave seen lots of bunnies before, Seras. I don't really see zem as very special."

"Aw, but Pip, look. He's coming closer." So the rabbit was. It crept closer to the couple, and Seras knelt down to see it. "He's cute!"

Pip took Seras' shoulder in one hand. "Seras, girl, be careful..."

Seras laughed happily. "Why? It's only a bunny."

"Yes, but it reminds me of your Master Alucard."

Seras stared at Pip. "No he doesn't. Master is evil. Bunnies can't be evil."

"I still don't trust it."

"Oh, Pip, you don't get– EEK! GET IT OFF ME! PIIIIIIP!"

The rabbit had crept closer and closer to them, and as Seras had looked away, the creature had sprung, landing on Seras' face, squealing and clawing. Pip swore in French and tackled the rabbit, tugging, trying to pull it off Seras' face. "Get... off... her!" he grunted, trying to avoid Seras' flying limbs. "Rabbits... do... not... eat... PEOPLE!"

After several minutes of scuffle, the rabbit was finally removed and thrown into the woods, and the couple sprinted back to the manor yelling and bleeding.

(200)

Moral- Small mammals are evil. And Seras is far too attracted to them, which could be very bad for her in the future.


	24. Evil Bunny Part Two

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Evil Bunny (part two)**

Akai watched the bunny fiasco with a huge grin on her face. Pip and Seras were spazzing, trying to get the rabbit off the draculina's face.

Suddenly, the bunny flew out of nowhere and hit her in the face. Pip was yelling something at Seras, and Akai pegged the rabbit at their retreating backs. Pip screamed. "AH! The rabbit! It iz flyiiiiiing!"

Snickering like a maniac, the werecat watched the duo sprint towards the manor with the rabbit hot on their heels. When they had disappeared, Akai let out a long, low whistle, and the rabbit came back, stopping at her feet and twitching its ears.

Akai grinned, stooping down to pick the creature up. "Goooood bunny," she crooned. "Goooood."

(123)

Moral- Once again, Akai is an asshole. She likes to mess with people _far_ too much.


	25. Voice Lessons Part One

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Voice Lessons (part one)**

"Master, why do I have to take voice lessons? I sing fine!"

Alucard growled at his fledgling. "Have you ever heard yourself? And you forget that because of the mental connection, I can hear you when you're in the shower. I though the French Pig was bad, but..." He trailed off, shaking his head.

"Well, then, who's going to teach me?"

A huge grin appeared on Alucard's face. "The French Pig, of course."

Seras' mouth dropped open. "WHAT?"

"It turns out that the French Pig actually _does_ have a good voice. He just doesn't show it that often."

Seras sweatdropped. "You... you mean..."

"Yes. You're going to be locked in a room with the French Pig and a piano for two hours."

"Oh shit."

"I thought you liked him."

Seras stared at him, a red tinge starting to grow on her cheeks. "W-what?"

"Well, the whole incident with the stream, for one thing..."

"HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THAT?!?!?!"

Alucard smirked. "Integra's mind isn't so hard to look at. She had bad dreams about that for the next week."

"Oh, fuck."

(190)

Moral- Don't try to keep secrets from Alucard. He finds out about EVERYTHING.

**Next chapter- Voice lessons with Pip! Should be interesting, huh? R+R!**


	26. Voice Lessons Part Two

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Voice Lessons (part two)**

"No, no! You breathe from your stomach, not your chest!"

Seras scowled and tried again, taking deep breaths. Pip was standing in front of her, arms crossed. He watched her closely for a few moments, then threw his hands up in the air. "NO! You are not doing it right! Okay, lie down on your back."

Seras stared at him. "What?"

"Llay down on your back."

Seras continued staring but did as he commanded. Pip nodded, taking a book from on top of the piano and laying it on her stomach. "Now, I want to see zis move, not your chest."

She sighed, and tried for the tenth time.

"No. If I have to hold you down, I will. Your Master told me zat if I didn't teach you to sing I would regret it. Now breathe."

"It's hard!"

"Keep trying. You're not going to stop until you've mastered it."

Seras pouted. "I can't do it!"

A grin crept its way onto Pip's face. "I didn't want to do this, but..." **(AN- Yes you did, Pip, stop lying! (grins)) **He knelt down beside her and put his hands out.

"No, Pip, what are you doing?! Get your hands off me!"

"Breathe."

Seras breathed, looking apprehensively at Pip's hands holding down her chest. "Zat's better," was the satisfied reply, and his hands were removed. "Now try again."

She took a deep breath.

"Good. Now stand up." He took the book off her stomach. She obeyed. "Now breathe again, same as you did." She breathed. "Good. Now if you can make zat integrate into your singing, zen you will sing louder and clearer."

"I don't think Master will like the louder part..."

"Well, at least you're not mumbling. Now, sing zese notes." He went over to the piano and tapped a few keys. She tried them, but...

"STOP! STOP! You are not doing it right! Listen to ze notes again." He tapped the keys. Seras tried. "Much better. Now sing zis." He tapped yet another set of keys, and Seras sang them. "Much, much better. Now, sing somezing zat you'd normally sing in ze shower or somezing."

Seras blinked. "Um... okay..." She thought for a moment, then smiled. "Okay," she repeated, and began to sing. **(AN- Pretend that there are music notes here!) **"Come what may... Come what may... I will love you, until my dying day!" **(AN- End music notes)**

Pip couldn't help it. Moulin Rouge was French. He grinned and joined in. **(AN- MUSIC NOTES!) **"Come what may... Come what may... I will love you, until my dying day!" **(AN- EMN! E! M! N! WHOOT!)**

Little did either of them know that a certain vampire was hiding behind the piano with a video camera, grinning like a maniac and trying desperately not to laugh.

(431)

Moral- Alucard likes his video camera FAR too much.


	27. Catfight

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Catfight**

"Dammit Akai, you're a bitch!"

Akai scowled, trying to keep herself from knocking the crap out of the red-haired vampire. "I'm a bitch? Ha! Have you looked in a mirror lately?"

Shay smirked, triumphant. "I can't be seen in mirrors."

"Well, that much is obvious. Your hair is a mess."

"Bitch."

"Sticks and stones, ShayShay..." Akai sang, trying to piss off her enemy even more.

It worked. Shay swung, and Akai flew through the air, crashing into a tree about a hundred meters away. Shay smirked. "Sticks indeed, Kiddy."

Akai groaned. "Ow... shut it, Slut..."

Shay grinned, the victor of this fight. Behind her, someone whistled. "Now_ zat's _what I call a catfight." Pip walked between the two and prevented further injury to Akai by grabbing Shay's arms. "Shay, no. We talked about zis before, remember? You don't hurt people unless you're ordered to."

Shay gave Pip a Look, and he let go quickly, remembering what had happened the last time she had given the Look to someone. They had been admitted to the hospital in critical condition, and hadn't been able to get out of the wheelchair for months. If Akai had been human, she would be dead now.

Pip backed off slowly, recognizing the danger signs in Shay's eyes. "Okay... I'll leave now..."

Shay smirked, ignored the profanity that Akai was currently spouting, and walked back to the manor.

(231)

Moral- Shay will not hesitate to beat the crap out of people.


	28. Exposed

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Exposed**

"Kei, what the _hell_ are you doing?" Akai stared at her friend, who was currently messing with a large square of cloth and rope.

Kei grinned up at her. "Kei's making a shower curtain, Akai-sama."

"...Why?"

He shrugged. "Seras-san wanted one, so Kei offered to make one for her."

Akai shook her head. "Okay..." She walked away, leaving Kei to finish his curtain.

xXx

"Hmmhmmhmmhmmhmm..." Seras hummed as she stood in the shower, washing her hair. She was so busy humming that she didn't hear the bathroom door open.

Until the shower curtain was pulled aside.

Seras screamed.

Kei screamed.

Kei ran out of the room yelling for 'Akai-sama'.

Seras vowed to someday kill the werewolf.

(125)

Moral- Bad things always seem to happen to Seras. And poor Kei's eyes. They were virgin until this point... **O.o**


	29. Stage Whisper

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Stage Whisper**

Kei sat on a shelf in the hallway, humming happily and tail twitching. Suddenly, he saw Alucard come from a doorway at the end of the hall and begin to walk towards him. Kei waited until Alucard had passed, then grinned and called in a stage whisper, "Aaaaaluuuucaaaard..."

Alucard froze and began to turn in Kei's direction. Kei whimpered, eyes growing wide. Then he jumped off the shelf and began sprinting off in the opposite direction. "AKAI-SAMA!"

Alucard smirked and continued walking.

(83)

Moral- Kei is a wimp sometimes. A very cute, innocent, werewolf wimp.

**AN- OKAY, KIDDY! I'M UPDATING!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?! (sighs, rolls eyes) KRISH-un has been bugging me every day to update... She's getting kinda annoying... (eyes widen) I DIDN'T MEAN IT, KRISHY!! I SWEAR!! (runs off in opposite direction) NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!**


	30. Bah!

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Bah!**

Kei was bored. So he sat down on a chair and promptly fell asleep. While he was sleeping, he fell out of the chair and onto the floor. The fall woke him up, and suddenly he saw the door begin to open. He grinned slightly and fell limp once again. Seconds later, he heard Akai's voice above him. "Kei? Kei! Get up!"

He felt her warm breath on his face, and inwardly he smiled widely. Just a little closer and it would be perfect...

"Kei? Wake up, Kei!" She was getting closer...

Just at the right moment, he opened his eyes. "BAH!" he squealed, and Akai jerked backwards and stumbled over her own feet, falling on the floor.

"KEI! DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN!" she gasped, breathing heavily.

Kei grinned. "Sorry, Akai-sama..."

(133)

Moral- Kei can be a true pest at times... And Akai is extremely overprotective of her little werewolf...

**A/N- Awww... isn't Akai/Kei one of the cutest pairings ever? (swoons) IT'S TOO CUTE!!! It's like Pip/Seras... REALLY cute... (runs off, crying over Pip's death) NOOO!!!! DON'T DIE PIP!!!! SERAS AND SHAY NEED YOU!!! (breaks down in tears)**


	31. Anger

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Anger**

"Alucard?"

"Yes Master?"

"...Why are you here?"

"I'm protecting you, Master."

"In the SHOWER?!"

"Yes."

"I'm wearing nothing but a TOWEL, Alucard, now GET OUT!!"

CLANG.

Several minutes later, Alucard could be found down in his crypt, rubbing his head gingerly. "Only she would keep a sliver ashtray in his bathroom..."

(51)

Moral- DON'T disturb Integra in the shower...


	32. Collar Part One

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Collar (part one)**

"Hey Akai, come 'ere," Pip called, motioning the catgirl over.

Akai raised her eyebrow. "What do you want?"

"Just come 'ere," he said again.

She rolled her eyes and walked over, stopping in front of him. "Yes?"

He grinned. "Kiddy."

"What–" she was cut short by someone suddenly grabbing her arms and legs and pinioning them behind her. "WHAT THE HELL?"

A chuckle was heard, and she heard Shay's voice. "You're stuck, Kiddy-kat."

Akai's eyes widened, and she snarled, attempting to get away. "NO!"

Both Pip and Shay began laughing, and Pip stepped forward. In his hand he held a red cat's collar with a silver bell on it. "Here you go, Kiddy." He reached around her neck and fastened it there, nodded at Shay . . . and bolted.

Akai snarled at him. "French bastard! Now LET GO OF ME, SLUT!" She could _feel_ the vampire's smirk on the back of her head. She was over a half-foot taller than Akai, and it made the catgirl very angry. "LET GO OF ME!"

"Okay."

Her arms were dropped and she immediately whirled around, only to see Shay phasing onto the floor. "I hate you."

(203)

Moral- Akai HATES being a cat when Pip and Shay are around. Shay is a bad influence on him . . .

**A/N- Heh . . . poor Akai. When Shay and Pip get together, expect bad things to happen. They have spent too much time together and have come up with some pretty bad stuff . . . Oo**


	33. Flick Abuse

**The ****Hellsing**** Files**

**-Flick Abuse**

Seras waited. She knew all the men in this room were focused entirely on Integra, who was telling them about their new jobs here at Hellsing Manor. They didn't believe her, of course, when she told them that their enemies were vampires and other members of the undead. "Your enemies are blood sucking, ageless, immortal vampires. We carry garlic and holy water, drive wooden stakes into their hearts, and cut their heads off. Then we burn their corpses and scatter their ashes at a crossroad. _That is how we work. _Read Bram Stoker for more details."

"You must be _barmy!_" yelled out one of the men.

"There's _no way_ vampires exist in this world…"

"You simply don't know," Integra said. "No, to be accurate, you simply have not been informed. This Hellsing organization was formed one hundred years ago. We have conducted our operations beneath an unsuspecting populace as an instrument in the war against vampires. It's hard to understand no matter how I say it. So behold," she said, pointing at Seras. "_That_ is your enemy, a vampire."

The men all looked at Seras and gasped. "Wha…?! What?!"

Seras stood, feeling very awkward among all these men, staring at her. One of them in particular, most likely their captain, walked up to her. "You're…. a vampire?" he asked, voice thick with a French accent. He had a long, strawberry blonde braid that was wrapped around his neck and went halfway down his back.

"Uh… Yeah… something of the sort…" Seras mumbled, embarrassed beyond belief. He was _staring_ at her! The men all burst out laughing, unable to believe that a girl such as her would ever be a vampire. She sighed. "I knew they'd laugh at me…" she said sadly to Integra.

"And laugh they do."

"Shouldn't Master be here with me?"

"No. He wouldn't rest until they were all dead. Fine! Show them some proof, Police Girl. Open their eyes for them."

"Ro-! Roger!" She smiled slightly and raised her hand. "Now then."

The braided man began laughing. "If you're a vampire, zen I'm bloody Frankenstein's monster!"

"Tou!" Seras said, flicking her finger at him.

The Frenchman spiraled backwards, blood shooting from his nose. "HN! GUOHHH!!!"

"I challenge you, Captain. And I'm only allowed to flick my fingers."

"Wha… What?!"

"Tou." She flicked him again.

He flew backwards several more feet. "C... CAPTAIN!" the men yelled, scrambling to get to their captain's side.

"She's a FREAK!" the Captian yelled. "Can't see her at all... can't even sense her! All she did was flick me but my 'ead's spinning!"

"Right… so…" Seras said slowly. "Like she said, I'm a vampire."

The ranks of men parted to allow a tall, slender figure to reach their Captain. She had long, dark red hair tied in a braid and looked completely out of place among the uniform cargo pants on all of the men, as she was dressed in all black and wearing extremely short shorts, cropped black tank top, and thigh boots. "Frère," she said, shaking her head. "You idiot. Come on." She picked him up easily, bridal-style, and carried him to the back of the group.

He clung to her. "Shaaaaay! Blonde girlie over zere scares meeee… Is she really a vampire?"

_"Of course she is."_ The men all looked around, and their eyes opened wide with terror as Alucard materialized out of a wall. "Among us she's the lowest of the low, but she's _obviously_ a vampire."

"UWAHHHHHHHAH!!! GYAHAAAAAAA!!!!" Most of the men yelled in terror and some even fell over, twitching.

**AN- Yeah... Most of this is taken directly from the manga... I just thought that it was one of the best parts of the entire series and I wanted to add Shay in there, just so that people see that she's was just a part of the Geese before Alucard turned her... And this chapter was also inspired by 'They're Coming to take Seras Away' on Youtube by... eh, I'm too lazy to look it up again, but it's one of only two, so you should find it pretty easily... XD**

**-AV**


	34. Ranting

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Ranting**

"NO! I'M FED UP WITH IT!" Shay yelled.

Pip paled. This was the classic start to one of her legendary rants. All he had done was mutter a swear in French, and now…

"I've had enough! There's too many people with ACCENTS! God, there's an entire _army_ of vampires with German accents! We even have a German werecat in this very manor! Geez, all those 'vhat's and 'wery's and v's changed into w's and 'wice-wersa' everything! It's insane! Why are we forced to deal with all this?! And YOU!" She whirled around and pointed at Pip. "You and the Geese! Everyone talks different! It's about 20 different accents and languages, and everyone's different!

"Sure, when you know and understand all those languages it's fine, but it still kills your brain! There's French like you, and Italian, and Spanish, and German, and Portuguese, and English, and about five different accents with English being the native tongue, and there's Swahili and Bulgarian and Lithuanian and Romanian and Hungarian and Russian and every other language you can think up! God! How do you LIVE with it?! I know I lived with 'em all for six years but still! Jesus Christ! I'm going crazy here!

"PLUS!! Alucard's trying to teach me his ancient form of Romanian! I'm getting confused! My brain is going to explode! I've learned how to be fluent in about 16 different languages in the past 6 years, thanks to all the men being perverts and wanting to spend 'time' with me, and now Alucard's expecting me to learn another! God, how is someone supposed to TAKE this?! Urgh!

"AND THEN! We start fighting Millennium! Akai's got this whole 'ex-Nazi' thing going on, we've got a bunch of German Nazi vampires with their little German accents storming in here, and then there's Anderson! Anderson's got an accent too! Him and his Irishness or Scottishness or whatever the hell he is! And Integra and Walter and Seras all have these movie-perfect British accents and they're nice little pure-bred English, and you're French, and I'm American, and Akai's German, and Kei's something, and everyone has all these ACCENTS and languages and dialects! It's enough to drive someone batty! I'm going to need to be locked up after this! My brain can't take it any longer!

"Oh, and then there's the Asian languages. Did you know that Akai spoke Japanese?! Now I'm going to have to learn THAT too because I know she keeps insulting me in it! And Chinese, too! She keeps calling me a 'deidara', whatever the hell THAT is. Dammit! I don't want to learn two more languages! God! Then, another Romanian dialect! Grr… I'm going to just blow up now! Kill me! Pip! Just kill me! Jesus! TOO! MUCH! CONFUSION!"

She flopped over onto Pip's bed, lying spread-eagled and groaning, her eyes closed.

Pip raised an eyebrow and walked over to her cautiously. "Shay?" he asked. "You okay?"

Shay opened one eye to glare at him. "No." She closed it again.

"Okay then…"

Just then, Alucard phased into the room. "Fledgling, it's time for your language lesson…" he said, grinning.

Shay's eyes flew open, and she fell off the bed yelling profanities.

**(532)**

**Moral- Allow Shay to rant and she'll end up blowing several brain cells. So clamp your hand over her mouth ASAP. **

A/N- "Deidara' supposedly means 'slut' in Chinese, according to my friend, whose mother speaks the language fluently. Yes, all you Naruto fans, the girly-man is named Slut. And yes, I laughed too.


	35. Superstar

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Superstar**

"Akai-sama…" Kei whined. "Kei has a song stuck in his head…"

Akai sighed and turned to face the whimpering werewolf. "What is it?"

Kei grinned widely and immediately proceeded to burst into song.

"_I am a superstar_

_With a big big house_

_And a big big car!_

_I am a superstar_

_And I don't care who you are!"_

Akai's eyes widened. "Oh, shit."

For the next three hours, Kei followed Akai around the manor singing until she began to sing along.

When Shay came out of her room, she found the duo walking down the hallway, singing alternate verses. She grinned. She couldn't help it. She HAD to.

She fell into place behind them, making obscene hand gestures at Akai's back and mocking them silently.

When they reached the grounds, Pip saw them go, not able to believe his eyes or ears. He looked down at his cigarette and sighed. "I 'ave GOT to stop smoking zese…"

(157)

**Moral- Beware of Kei when he has a song stuck in his head. If you don't have a song stuck in yours, you will. Very shortly. Fear his awesome powers. **

_Song 'Superstar' does not belong to either Alucard's Vampiress or KRISH-un. It belongs to Toy Box, an amazing band/artist/group that the two authoresses have fallen in love with. Well, AV at least._

_Hellsing and all recognizable characters belong to none other than the notable Kohta Hirano, AV's favorite author/artist of all time (besides herself, K-un and AV's boyfriend :-)__ )_


	36. Cat

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Cat**

It all started when Integra got the cat. Now, Akai, having been teased mercilessly for the past week, was reaching her breaking point. All she needed was one more jibe before she snapped.

Integra had installed a cat door.

The werecat stood outside it, glaring. She was so busy glaring that she didn't notice a certain red-haired vampire coming to stand next to her. Shay grinned. "Why don't you go through it, Kiddy-Kat?"

That did it. Akai snapped. She turned to face Shay, but the redhead was already long gone, sprinting across the grounds and disappearing into the growing darkness.

Akai swore. "I hate her."

(105)

**Moral- Don't bring up cat doors in Akai's presence. She will pummel you.**


	37. Mozzarella

The Hellsing Files

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Mozzarella**

Kei liked throwing things. Cheese, cell phones, Akai… anything, really. One day, he had decided to have mozzarella sticks as a midnight snack. Examining one, he tossed it suddenly up in the air. It spun several times only for it to suddenly disappear. Kei blinked. Where did his mozzarella stick go? He tossed another one. That, too, disappeared. But, this time, he heard a faint gunshot. Whimpering, he threw another one, closely followed by another.

Bang-bang.

Kei looked around for the source, then threw another. Bang.

He reached inside the box, scrabbling madly for another stick.

There was none.

Kei's eyes widened.

200 meters away, Alucard started cackling madly as he watched Kei twitch and slowly go insane from lack of mozzarella.

**(123)**

**Moral- Kei can be REALLY stupid at times.**


	38. Ghost

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Ghost**

Pip grinned as he raided the linen closet. He was looking for a sheet, and was planning on perhaps scaring a certain annoying young werewolf by pretending that he was a ghost. He rifled through the sheets, looking for a good one.

Finally, he found one. He grinned and pulled it out, unfolding it in the process. Oh, this was going to be fun…

xXx

Kei was skipping down the hallway, planning on raiding the linen closet. He wanted to pretend to be a ghost so he could scare the Lady.

He turned the corner and stopped short. What was THAT? A figure was stumbling down the hallway, covered in a hot pink sheet- it looked like one of Seras'. Kei screamed and ran for his life.

He rounded another corner and ran into something solid. "OW!"

"What the hell, Kei? You see a ghost or something?" Akai raised an eyebrow at her companion, who was shaking like a leaf and gazing up at her with wide eyes.

"Y-Yes!!" he wailed, running behind her and clinging to her shirt, using her as he would a shield.

Akai groaned. _Not this again… _She attempted to shake the clingy werewolf, but he kept an iron grip. "Kei! Let go!"

"No! The ghost might get Kei!"

Akai sighed. "Fine, I'm going to go take a look at this ghost, just to prove to you th- OOF!"

A figure had rounded the corner and top speed, and Akai became a wall for the second time in one minute. "VHAT THE HELL IST GOING ON VITH PEOPLE USING ME AS A VALL?!"

A chuckle emanated from the pink lump that was sprawled on the floor next to her. Akai glared at it and Kei shrunk away. "Akai-sama…" he whined. "It's the ghost! Akai-sama, be careful!"

Akai rolled her eyes and stooped down to drag the sheet off the offending 'ghost'. Pip looked up at her, grinning widely. "Bonjour…"

"Oh, hello Lady," Kei said brightly. "Did Lady see the ghost?"

(334)

Moral- Keep sheets out of the hands of mischievous, pervy Frenchmen at all costs. Otherwise certain silver-haired werecats might just be inclined to beat said pervy Frenchman up.


	39. Bees

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Bees**

"ALUCARD! Integra yelled, running in through the front door. A low drone of buzzing followed her as she sprinted through the front hall. "ALUCARD, GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP HERE! ALUCARD!"

Downstairs in the basement, Alucard woke up from a very nice dream. He was killing things. And it was fun. The French Pig was hung upside down by his ankles, Anderson was lying in a pool of his own blood, Integra never existed so he wasn't bound… ah. Paradise.

Then he woke up. He wasn't very happy now that his dream was interru- "ALUCARD!"

He groaned. "Coming…" he mumbled, getting out of his chair and phasing upstairs to where his Master's screams were.

"ALUCARD!"

He reached the front hall only to find his Master running away from a large, angry swarm of bees. "What did you do, Master?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Integra gave him an angry glare. "GET RID OF THESE BEES! OW!"

A small smirk appeared on Alucard's face as he watched that of his Master's, amused that, for once, his Master wasn't angry at him. "Coming…" he repeated. He grinned widely and turned into a cloud of bats, all of which dove at the cloud of bees. The bees split into two groups, one going after Integra still and the other going after Batty-card.

It was mayhem. Chaos. It caused a lot of noise. Akai and Kei popped into the hall. "What the-" began Akai, but her mouth fell open and she was speechless (for once) as she surveyed the scene in front of her.

Bees were everywhere, fighting with bats and chasing Integra. Kei gulped. "They're… they're bees, Akai-sama…"

"I noticed. How're we going to get rid of them?"

Kei shrugged. "Kei doesn't know."

"Well, this'll be interesting."

"Mm-hm."

Both of them stood there, just watching the mayhem. Neither moved.

Then, a bee landed on Kei's nose. He looked at it, eyes crossed in order to see it. "Akai-sama…"

"What?"

"There's a bee on Kei's- OWIE!!" He yelped. "Akai-SAMA!! THE BEE STUNG KEI'S NOSE!" He began running around, clutching his nose in pain.

Akai groaned. "No, Kei! You don't run away from bees! They'll go after you even more!" Kei ignored her.

"What iz going on in here?" asked a familiar French voice.

Akai watched the chaos. "Only a bunch of bees."

Pip gaped. "Only a bunch of bees? Zere must be three 'undred! At least!"

"Unless you know how to get rid of them, SHUT UP."

Pip grumbled, and another person dropped down beside them. "What's with all the bees? And why is Alucard getting his batty ass kicked by them?"

Akai scowled at the redhead, who was grinning widely. "Unless you know how to get rid of them, get lost, SLUT."

Shay's grin grew wider. "You can't."

Akai stared at her. "What?"

"You can't get rid of them."

"And why not?"

"There's no hive and the door is closed. They can't go back to their hive, so now the only way they'll go away is if you kill them."

"What do you think Alucard's trying to do?!"

Shay grinned. "Get out the flyswatters."

(521)

Moral- Bees can baffle more people than you'd think.

**A/N- Sorry about the long break, guys! I actually meant to update yesterday (it was our one-year anniversary!) but I never got a chance. So here's your new chapter! Hope you liked it!**


	40. Clean

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Clean**

"…Can you explain why we're in the hospital again?"

Kei smiled happily. "Visiting people!"

"…Why?"

"Because it's nice!"

Akai shook her head. "Is there anyone we KNOW in here?"

"Maybe…"

"Who is it?"

"Well, when ShayShay took out the flyswatters, the bees kinda… um… turned on her. And the Lady. So the Lady's here."

"So we're visiting Pip."

"No."

"THEN WHY ARE WE HERE?!"

Kei grinned. "Hospitals smell clean."

Akai twitched.

(71)

Moral- Kei likes clean-smelling things and being vague.


	41. Gum Nazi

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Gum Nazi**

Schrodinger grinned happily to himself as he unwrapped a piece of gum. He never was allowed to have gum, as Dok watched him like a hawk and always snatched it away before he could even put the stick of delicious yumminess in his mouth. But this time, Dok wasn't around. Schrodinger's grin grew wider as the gum went into his mouth and he began chewing happily.

Until his mouth was forced open and the gum was popped out. "HEY!"

Dok held up the wad. "Schrodinger, vat did I tell you about chewing gum?"

Schrodinger sighed, scowled and walked away, deprived of his precious gum yet again.

(105)

Moral- Dok IS a gum Nazi… creepy… (in more ways than one, lol).

**A/N- As many of you have noticed by now, I have changed my penname. It's still Hellsing-centric (any Alucard fan will recognize it immediately 8D), but I was starting to grow tired of the old 'Alucard's Vampiress' and so, while taking a shower (for some reason, that's where I come up with many of my great ideas), the inscription on Alucard's coffin came to mind- **

_The Bird of Hermes is my name_

_Eating my wings to make me tame._

**Well, unfortunately 'Bird of Hermes' was already taken, as was 'Eating My Wings' (I REALLY wanted that one), so I went with the third choice. And I love it! hearts float above head in ecstasy and joy**

**Well, thanks for reading, guys, and thanks ever so much for sticking with me on this through a whopping 41 chapters. Keep a lookout- there are more on the way! **

_Reviews make my world go round... not only that, but reviewers get a cookie or a brownie- you can choose!_

**-ToMakeMeTame**


	42. Dinosaurs

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Dinosaurs**

"…What the hell is that?" Alucard stared at the screen, looking somewhat disturbed.

Seras smiled happily. "It's the Land Before Time! It's cute."

"…It's a bunch of baby, talking, SINGING dinosaurs. What's cute about that?"

"It's just cute, Master. Just because YOU don't find it cute –"

"I say again, it's a bunch of baby, talking, singing dinosaurs. Who would EVER find that cute?"

"Master," she protested. "That's mean!" Alucard gave her a look and she shrunk back. "But Master…"

The door to the room opened and a slender, red-haired figure stepped in. "What's going on? I can hear you guys from my room."

"Yeah, your room is right next door," Seras said, scowling.

Shy grinned. "What are you two fighting about now?"

Seras pointed an accusing finger at Alucard. "He says Land Before Time is stupid!"

"I never said it was stupid, I just said that no one would find it cute."

Shay raised an eyebrow. "Okay…"

Seras looked at her. "Well, do YOU think Land Before Time is cute?"

"I grew up in an orphanage and was considered the most badass kid there until I joined the Geese when I was sixteen. I don't find talking dinosaurs cute."

"But they're talking baby dinosaurs!"

Alucard and Shay exchanged amused looks before bursting out laughing. They ended up walking out the door, supporting each other else they'd fall over from laughing too hard.

Seras watched them go, pouting.

(227)

Moral- Seras has weird opinions?

**A/N- We do not own The Land Before Time, nor Hellsing (I know we haven't made that clear, XDD). Will that stave the onslaught of lawyers yet? **


	43. Birthday

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Birthday**

The Geese always knew when a birthday was coming up. They seemed to have the special in-tuned minds for it, or they had special sensory systems, or something. Or it could have something to do with their Captain parading around singing at the top of his lungs, going "IT IZ ALMOST MY BIRTHDAY! IT IZ ALMOST MY BIRTHDAY!"

Some people had it especially hard. In a normal situation, they would probably prefer to remain nameless, but we all know that that doesn't happen in this story.

Those people were the First Lieutenant, Shay, Seras and Akai. Seras and Akai were new targets of his 'affections', as it were, and the first two, having been subjugated to Pip's birthday many times before, knew what to expect a month in advance, and had been seen together quite a lot over the previous few weeks, plotting. Of course, they hadn't allowed Seras or Akai to join their conspiracy- mainly due to the hate fights between Shay and Akai and the general air of superiority that Shay couldn't help but parade over Seras' head ("Master, I don't wanna drink blood..." compared to Shay's "Hey, Al, y'might want to get out of the way. These things are way too much fun to squirt at people before eating them. And Akai's right behind you, and she's wearing a white shirt...").

Now, Pip always knew that Shay and the Lieutenant were plotting against him, but he usually allowed it, knowing that he would get back at them eventually over the course of the year (it got messy). However, he usually knew at least a hint of what they were plotting. This year, however, he was beginning to get nervous. It was already the day of his birthday and he hadn't heard so much as a peep from the two, not even a 'Happy Birthday'. The men had even been let in on it, and they hadn't even so much as slipped out one word when he passed! He had even gone to the lengths of spying on them, to see if they would talk about it, but so far nothing had turned up.

And he was starting to worry.

Eventually, he went to Walter, hoping to see if the aged butler would know anything. Unfortunately, the man had no advice for him, other than to warn him that Akai and Kei and Seras were plotting as well.

As was Alucard.

The last bit of news scared Pip to no end. It made a grand total of four groups plotting against him- a group of people who knew him better than he possibly knew himself, which consisted of 87 men and one woman with mischievous, and many times, perverted streaks; a werecat with a high temper and a young werewolf who most likely wouldn't be able to tell a muffin from a doughnut; a rather blonde girl with an overly large chest who, though she was more of the 'dumb blonde' type most of the time, had her moments of terrifying genius; and finally, an elder vampire who most likely hated Pip and wanted to see him humiliated beyond compare. Integra, if she had any brains, would lock herself up in her office for the twenty-four hours of Pip's birthday.

Pip sighed and wandered off onto the training grounds. Though it was the middle of the day, he spied a familiar, curvy figure standing beneath the treetops in the shade, talking to someone. "Shay?" he called curiously, deciding to switch to French. He knew that she could understand it, and he didn't feel like having to deal with his accent. "What are you doing up?"

The redhead looked up, her eyes widening. "O-oh, hey Pip. Nothing, nothing at all," she responded in the same language. She grinned, nudging Kei, who was standing beside her. "Only talking to Kei, that's it."

Pip narrowed his one good eye suspiciously. "About what?"

She bit her lip with tiny fangs, obviously thinking fast. Normally she was quite good at concealing her true intentions, but in this case she seemed to want to torment the poor Frenchman as much as she was able. Small beads of blood appeared on her bottom lip, beneath her fangs, but she quickly licked them off. "Oh, only talking to him about Akai," she said finally, a grin breaking out across her face.

"And you couldn't do that inside, where you wouldn't burn yourself to a little crisp?"

"Well, if Akai's lurking inside there, no I can't. And she follows me around sometimes, I know she does. She's determined to have be hanged and gutted one day. Damn Nazi."

A tiny smile appeared on the young werewolf's face beside her, though he quickly hid it with one hand. He gazed at Pip mischievously, his eyes clearly telling the Captain that, whatever he and Shay were up to, it would end up being humiliating for Pip.

"So, you decided to talk to him here, outside, in the middle of the day, when you're most vulnerable?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

Pip sighed, waving his hand at her. "Fine. You go off and chat with the idiot and I'm going to be at the training grounds. Everyone keeps staring at me, and I need some peace and quiet."

"Au revior!"

The Frenchman stalked off, shooting a glance over his shoulder. Shay had been entirely too... too... He couldn't think of a word to describe her. Too pushy? Too secretive? He figured that it was a mix of both. Well, he couldn't really blame her. His birthday prank had been a tradition for over six years, ever since she had first found out when his birthday was, and every year she had managed to make it one to remember. For example, in the beginning of last year, when they were still doing that job in Bolivia, she had convinced all the Geese to begin singing some song that she felt he would like. Seeing as it was a group of a hundred men singing to him, telling them to "Shut Up and Sleep With' them, it was exceedingly awkward. Not to mention that she managed to get them to all sing it in their native language. It was possibly the strangest thing he had ever heard, especially from the Goose whose native language was Swahili.

He sighed. Not only had it been the song, but she had even dressed up that day. Worn pink. And gotten everyone else to wear pink somewhere on their person. He scowled. She used her influence over the Geese in far too obvious ways. And yet they still loved her. How was that possible? It almost wasn't fair.

He glanced back at her again. She was whispering to Kei again before nodding and glancing around, possibly searching for a way back to the manor without getting the worst sunburn she would ever get. Eventually, finding nothing else to do, she sighed and sped across the lawn with her arm across her face, yelling.

Pip rolled his eyes and continued on his way. Though he cared about Shay, it was her own fault that she came out during the day. For her, it was like being up in the middle of the night. And getting a horrible sunburn in the process. He supposed that Alucard would end up grilling her about it come nightfall, and he winced. That could end up being painful.

He made his way to the training grounds on the outskirts of the manor's wide acreage, his gun pointing at the ground several yards in front of him. A belt of ammunition was slung over his shoulder, and his long, strawberry-blonde braid was wrapped around his neck much like a scarf. Once at the grounds, he pulled out his gun and shot at the targets for hours, seeing no one the entire time.

At around three o'clock he went back to the barracks, wondering vaguely how the birthday preparations were going. Upon reaching the building, he frowned, noting that, once again, everything was deserted. "'allo?" he called, searching for any signs of life. Things were getting very fishy around here. "'allooo-ooo...?"

No answer, and the Frenchman swore. Sighing dramatically, he walked inside the manor, hoping to God that there would be at least one person inside to whom he could pour out his worries. "'allo? Anybody?"

When no one answered again, he growled in his throat. Today was his special day, the day of his twenty-fifth birthday, and no one had so much as said, 'Hey Cap'n, how's your special day?', or 'Happy Birthday, Pip!', or even, 'Haha, another year older, huh, Cap?'

Finally, overcome with annoyance and tiredness, he made his way into the lounge and collapsed on the couch, placing his feet up on the arm and his hat over his face. Might as well get some rest before he had another embarrassment.

Several hours later – either he had been a lot more tired than he originally had thought or a little vampire magic was used – he awoke. The room was dark and silent, and he took his hat gingerly off his face.

Still dark.

He heaved a sigh and got up off the couch, walking slowly into the hall. If he was this tired, it would be better to sleep in his own bed rather than on a couch, which would give him a stiff neck. The barracks it was, then.

He regretted his decision the moment he entered the room.

Every Goose, vampire, were-creature and other human off the Manor was gathered inside the front room, which had a large projector screen set up at the front. A makeshift stage was set up as well, and three figures stood atop it.

Pip swore when they beckoned to him, but when he picked through the cheering, laughing Geese until he came to the 'stage', he was unable to keep the smallest of smiles off his face. Maybe they weren't planning anything after all. There was a rustling as Alucard appeared from behind the screen, grinning widely, and the smile disappeared off Pip's face as he realized what was coming.

The Lieutenant, Shay, and the elder vampire stood on the stage beside him, wrapping their arms familiarly around his shoulders (Alucard just stood there like an idiot, actually, but he doesn't count in this case). "Welcome, everyone, to the grand celebration of our dear Cap'n's twenty-fifth birthday!" the Lieutenant called, smiling good-naturedly out at his audience. "I hope all of you have entered your contributions?"

The Geese all yelled and cheered, signifying their excitement, while the more reserved of them nodded and clapped. Pip flushed. This was beginning to show hints of being worse than last year.

"So, men, are you ready?" Shay cried, thrusting a fist triumphantly into the air. The men cheered louder and she smirked, pointing a finger at Kei, who was standing in the back with Akai and controlling the projector. He nodded and flipped a switch, causing a light to turn on and appear on the screen behind the odd group. Pip's eyes widened and he froze, not wanting to know what was appearing on the screen, but Shay and the Lieutenant dragged him offstage to a front-row seat. "Come on, frère, it'll be fun," Shay said, eyes dancing.

Pip merely groaned and prepared himself for the torture… and then it began.

A lullaby echoed hauntingly through the speakers planted throughout the room as he saw himself, as a baby, with food smeared all over his face and body, posing in his carriage in front of the Eiffel Tower. The men all laughed or cooed, one making a baby noise in the back, and Pip's eye narrowed. Someone was going to be demoted for that.

Next to him, the Lieutenant and Shay were doing their best to hold back chuckles, but when they glanced over at their Captain they could hold them back no longer – he looked HORRIFIED. "Wh-where did you get zese?!" he hissed, his teeth clenched.

The Lieutenant grinned. "Your grandpa. He gave them to me a while ago and told me that, should any of us be alive to see it, I should play every one of them for you and the Geese on your twenty-fifth birthday, in celebration that we're not dead yet."

"E-every one of them…?" Pip repeated weakly, and when the Lieutenant nodded he quickly switched his gaze back to the screen.

There he was, a year old and learning to walk. His first word (mommy, if you must know…), his first day of school, his first drawing for his mother. They kept going, continuing the videos even past the time when his parents had been killed, and Pip assumed that these moments had been captured by his grandfather or other Geese.

He couldn't believe it. He had no idea that these moments had been filmed. There he was, graduating from his high school in Paris, being inducted officially into the Geese. There he was, at the airport, smiling cheekily at the camera with his grandfather beside him. Pip smiled, nudging the redhead next to him. He knew what was coming next.

And there it was, his first meeting with Shay. The Geese roared with laughter as she promptly kicked his butt – even now, Pip felt a ghost pain there every time the incident was brought up – and even more so when they noticed that she was actually wearing modest clothing.

"Oi, Slut, what happened? Did someone run you over with a truck?"

Shay scowled. "Yeah, Kiddy, if you can call that blonde girl in the picture a truck," she yelled back, giving the werecat the finger. "She seemed to think that Pip and I were a match made in heaven, but the only way I would be able to attract his attention would be to cut all my clothes to shreds!"

Pip laughed. "Well, it worked!" he announced proudly, kissing the redhead sloppily on the cheek.

The Geese catcalled and whooped as Pip got his butt kicked again. For the same. Exact. Reason.

The video continued to show Grandpa Vernadead's funeral – it brought a tear to many an eye – and finally Pip's promotion to Captain. It briefly touched the incident in Bolivia, and then the Wild Geese's entrance into Hellsing Ranks. Pip felt a twinge of disease as he heard Alucard begin laughing from the back, and he soon found out why.

Every detail of Pip's life here at the manor had been caught on camera, from the unfortunate meeting in the shower (nothing below the waist, thank goodness) to the plot to steal Alucard's hat, from the camping trip (obviously parts had been edited out) to the horrible, HORRIBLE experiences in the Alps. All of it had been caught on Alucard's beloved video camera and contributed to this video.

When the movie finally ended with a snapshot of Pip's sleeping face (from less than an hour before), the entire room gave a standing ovation. Pip grinned and walked slowly onto the stage. "'ow many o' you amazin' bastards gave up tape for zis video?" he asked, scanning the audience.

Over half of the men raised their hands, not to mention the vampires, Walter and Akai. Pip wiped away an imaginary tear. "I 'ad better get a copy o' zat, ozzerwise I'll 'ave to punish you all for taking away my 'appiness," he said teasingly. "It was wonderful, men, zank you. Even you, Master Vampire. Zis 'as been my best birthday yet."

He got down from the stage and was immediately mobbed.

(2,590)

**A/N- Holy CRAP! This was supposed to be so much shorter! What happened?! Ugh… **

**Anyways, I'm proud of it, and now I know I've done my part in writing a Pip's Birthday story. Woot! R+R, pretty please!**


	44. Black Hole

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Black Hole**

"Why isn't this damn shower turning on?"

Integra's angry voice echoed through the manor. At the same time, several other voices were also complaining.

"What is it with this stove?"

"The washing machine has a leak again!"

"ZE TOILET IS BLOCKED UP!"

"The microvave… it ist going to blow!!"

A loud string of explosions ripped through the mansion and the place blew up.

The 'survivors' (pretty much everyone, amazingly) sat in the rubble, looking confused.

Poor Integra was in nothing but a towel. Pip had nothing on below the waist save for a pair of hastily-clad boxers. All that was seen of the immortals' was the tops of their heads.

Walter sighed. "Well, there's the appliance black hole again."

(119)

Moral- Black holes are dangerous things…

**A/N- I know a few of you are probably going 'WTF? What are they TALKING about? There's no such thing as an appliance black hole!' Well, sorry, but you don't know how wrong you are. Those things are HORRIBLE. They took out my fridge, my washer, my drier, and my microwave within two days of each other. Closely followed by my computer and my sanity. They're HORRIBLE, I tell you, HORRIBLE!!**


	45. Amusement Park

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Amusement Park**

Integra eyed the approaching train with trepidation. "Are you quite sure that this is safe, Shay?" she asked, her nerves betraying her and causing her voice to shake slightly. A nervous tic caused her to gingerly pull her glasses off her face and wipe the lenses on the hem of her t-shirt.

Yes, Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing was wearing a t-shirt. No, it wasn't a sign of the apocalypse. The world wasn't ending. A giant meteor wasn't going to be smashing into the earth any minute. Nor was there going to be a catastrophic flood that wipes the entirety of the earth's population off the face of the earth.

It was because Shay was stronger than she was and it was too hot out for a blouse or a jacket.

Seems a rather simple explanation, doesn't it?

Well, if you add in the fact that the woman's hair was done up in a high ponytail (courtesy of Seras) and she was wearing _shorts, _of all things, then you probably would think correctly in that Armageddon was quickly approaching.

However, it wasn't. For poor Integra, it may have felt that way, but Shay had quickly assured her that roller coasters were nothing to worry about. "Oh, only one person's ever died on this. Don't worry about it."

They were approaching the front of the line to ride 'Superman- Ride of Steel' in the amusement park Six Flags New England, and somehow Shay had managed to coerce her boss into riding in the front car. As the last car pulled away and up out of sight from the train in front of them, Integra began to turn slightly green. This was the last thing she really wanted to be doing right now, but most of the others all had preferred to stay behind and laugh at her.

There were two other Hellsing members to be on the next train- a certain blonde draculina and her Master. Like Integra, Alucard had taken some convincing to drag onto the monster coaster, but for entirely different reasons. Alucard didn't feel that it was thrilling enough, apparently. However, Seras had made him listen to the resounding screams that echoed throughout the park, and finally he had consented.

Now, the duo was in line for the car directly behind Shay and Integra's. Seras bounced up and down excitedly, her blonde hair bobbing along with her. She had managed to pull out a hot pink tank top from the depths of her closet along with a light yellow miniskirt and matching flip-flops (compared to Alucard's usual trench coat in the 90 degree weather- and he wondered why people were giving him strange looks?).

The next car pulled into the station and the previous riders departed, talking excitedly about the ride. Their hair was all disheveled and their faces flushed, and Integra blanched. "I really don't want to ride this, Shay," she said warningly. "Can we get off?"

"No, we waited for so long to even get on this thing, you are NOT chickening out now, 'Teg," the redhead replied, taking advantage of the casual situation to shorten her employer's name. "Come on, I'll let you sit on the right side. It's the least scary. The left makes you feel like you're about to fall in the river."

For the Connecticut River bordered the amusement park's east side. At least, it _looked_ like the east. Frankly, the small group was trying to refrain from looking into the sun. It hurt their eyes, well, at least the eyes of Seras and Integra. Alucard and Shay had at least been prudent enough to bring sunglasses. They also had practically bathed in sunscreen before arriving after forcing Seras to do so as well, ignoring her complaints that she wanted to be tan again.

They buckled themselves in and the attendants checked their belts. Seras was squealing in excitement, Alucard looked rather bored, Shay was biting back outrageous laughter, and Integra was looking sick.

And then the ride began.

The long, arduous climb up the two-hundred foot hill seemed like hours for the skittish Integra. She pulled at her seat belt and her restraints again, making sure that they were secure. As the edge began to slowly creep into view, she felt like she was going to puke.

The drop looked like it was almost perfectly straight. She yelped. Shay began to laugh, a high-pitched cackle that resounded in the blonde woman's ears. The rest of the train made it over the edge…

And they dropped.

Integra became aware that there were now two people who were laughing- Shay and Alucard. Seras was screaming, that much was certain. But there was someone else who was screaming, and she couldn't figure out who it was for the longest few seconds of her life until, finally, she realized that it was herself. She, Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, was screaming like a silly girl.

Flushing red, she stopped briefly. There were many other people who were screaming as well, and as the train brought the train over yet another large dip, she smiled broadly. It was because screaming was fun! Well, in this case, at least.

A flash went off as they passed the 'Daily Planet' souvenir shop, revealing to her that she had smiled right in time for her picture. Making a mental note to review the picture later, she sat back and enjoyed the rest of the ride. And screamed.

Especially when they went underground into the mist-filled tunnel.

A few more dips and the train was brought back to the station for unloading and reloading, and Integra grinned. That had been one hell of a ride, and, what made it even more amusing was that Alucard had gotten nauseous. Not only that, but Seras was vowing to never again ride another roller coaster.

Integra chuckled and reached into her pocket to retrieve her cell phone so that she could call Akai, Kei and Pip. They should be waiting outside 'The Daily Planet' for them, but she wanted to double-check. Who knew? They could have been distracted by other attractions, like the Nightwing ride, so she had to check there first.

But before she could even do that, she had to look at the on-ride photos of the group.

A small crowd was gathered before the desk, talking and laughing excitedly. Craning her neck to peer over the tops of these people's heads, she saw her own face on the second screen from the left in the top row of monitors. She was wearing a horrified look on her face, her mouth open in a wordless scream. Shay sat next to her, her head thrown back as she laughed, and in the row behind them sat Alucard (trying and failing to look nonchalant- in fact, he appeared a slight bit green) and Seras (who had her hands gripped so tightly to the handlebars that her knuckles were white).

Integra shot a wry grin at the three vampires, who stood behind her, also examining the picture. Alucard sniffed disdainfully and began to walk away, and Shay merely chuckled darkly. "Did you have fun, 'Teggie?" she asked playfully.

"Actually, I did," Integra replied, shooting her a rare smile.

Shay looked impressed. "Very nice," she said, raising a thin eyebrow before turning and catching up with Alucard.

Integra was left alone with Seras for a brief moment, but they soon departed the lingering crowd and walked back out into the open area near Johnny Rockets. Pip and the were-creatures were waiting outside, leaning casually against a wall, talking. They looked up as Integra and Seras approached. "Oi, boss!" Pip called, waving cheerily.

Akai and Kei smiled, noting Integra's and Seras' windblown hair. After greeting the Hellsing head, Akai wandered off after Shay and Alucard, who had already headed off to Nightwing, leaving behind only the explanation of: "If your hair is that bad, Seras, I can't wait to see the Slut's."

(1,229)

Moral- Alucard... really isn't as brave as he says XDD

**A/N- Wow, this is our longest chapter yet! I hadn't hoped to go over 1,000 words, but this one was just too good of an opportunity to miss! Don't you just love Six Flags? And no, we don't live in Massachusetts. Nor anywhere near there. We merely went for summer camp WEEKS ago, so stalking us may be a bit of a problem, XDD. Well, tata!**


	46. Clowns

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Clowns**

"How… or, actually, _why_ did you get tickets to the circus?" Alucard stared at Integra, who was waving several slips of paper in the air.

Integra smiled. "I felt we all needed a break, so I booked us seats. It should be fun."

"No," said Alucard. "I refuse."

Integra grinned. "Too bad. You're coming, as is Walter. Captain Victoria, Captain Vernadead, Shay, Akai and Kei. Unfortunately, to take the rest of the Geese would just be too much for all of us."

Alucard scowled. "I hate circuses."

"Too bad. You're going." With those final words, Integra turned back to her desk and dismissed Alucard with a wave of her hand

xXx

At the circus, everyone at first seemed to be having a good time.

Then the clowns came out. They cavorted around, laughing and making fools of themselves.

Suddenly, one came up to the front row looking for a volunteer. The Hellsing group stared anxiously at him, and when he motioned to Akai, grinning, Kei clung to her. The clown raised an eyebrow, then pointed to Integra.

The blonde woman got up hesitantly. She was led to the center of the ring, and all of the clowns started dancing around her. One dashed up to her and bowed low, taking her hand gallantly. He kissed it, then twirled her around and tapped her lightly on the shoulder.

She disappeared.

Alucard stood up, snarling, and instantly sprung into the middle of the ring.

The tent was quickly cleared as hundreds of screaming people ran to their cars.

Integra was recovered from a hidden, comfortable room underneath the ring by a panicked Seras while the other Hellsing agents attempted desperately to stop Alucard from killing the circusfolk.

**(285)**

**Moral: Keep Alucard away from clowns at all time. He's dangerous. (nodnod)**


	47. Badminton

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Badminton**

"Seras, would you mind telling us _why_ you're teaching us badminton?" Shay asked. It wasn't a good day for her; though she was wearing sunglasses and tons of sunscreen, it was warm out, and black absorbs the most heat out of any color.

She, Kei, and Akai were being forcibly taught badminton by the blonde vampires.

Seras simply smiled. "Badminton is one of _the _English sports. You live in England now, so you have to learn how to play it."

"Um, Seras?" It was Akai now. "I've lived in England longer than you've been alive, and I know how to play badminton."

Seras pouted. "Well, you'll help me teach them, then." She proceeded to pull out several badminton rackets. Handing them out, she let the vampire and werecreatures sort themselves out.

Akai and Shay soon were engulfed in an epic war of badminton. And Shay was failing miserably.

Kei watched as the birdie went from one side, and a barrage of swears came from the other. "ShayShay?" he asked curiously. "Is Shay-danna okay?"

"I'm #%$!*^ FINE!" the vampiress roared back, after failing to hit the birdie. Again.

Akai smirked. "Well, you've obviously got the worst hand-eye coordination I've ever seen. How do you get _by_ in life?"

Shay huffed and, in her distraction, actually hit the birdie. Akai's eyes widened as it spiraled towards her, not prepared for it at all. There was a loud snarling noise as Kei leapt in front of her and caught the birdie. He shredded it with his claws, then looked up at Akai for approval. Akai nodded, and the war continued with a new birdie.

Meanwhile, Alucard was sitting behind a tree, catching it all on video to show to the Geese later.

**(289)**

**Moral: Shay sucks at racquet sports and Akai is somehow amazing at them. **

_KRISH-un: And… Kei is overprotective. _

TMMT: (nods) Feel bad for all of them.

Pip: …and ze boobs are bouncing… O_O


	48. FMA Reference

The Hellsing Files

**-FMA Reference**

Pip and his lieutenant were lazing around. There was nothing to do, and Pip was being perverted. It didn't help that Shay, wearing her usual skimpy garb, had walked by, and Pip glanced over at his officer, grinning. "Lieutenant…"

The lieutenant looked over at him. "Yes, Captain?"

Pip grinned an insane perverted grin. "On a woman, do you prefer boobs or thighs?"

The lieutenant raised his eyebrows. "Thighs, sir. What about you, Captain?"

Pip's grin widened. "It's a simple matter to choose between ze two, but…. Let me just say zis!" He quickly switched to French. "I love junk in the trunk!"

The lieutenant, knowing enough French to understand this, flipped out. "But Sir! I can't discuss worldly matters with you at all! It's. All. About. The THIGHS!"

Pip twitched. "You don't know enough about ze world to make comments like zat! It's all about butts!"

The argument only continued from there until Shay found them out and slapped them silly.

(161)

**No moral for this one, XDD.**

_Based on a comic in Fullmetal Alchemist, created by Hiromu Arakawa._


	49. Broomstick

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Broomstick**

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" The silver-haired werecat cried. She ran after the Cheshire cat in front of her.

Schrodinger turned around, now running backwards. "Ja? You und vhat army?"

Akai paused. "Me an' my BOOMSTICK!" She whipped out a broomstick, charging at him.

Schrodinger's eyes widened and he disappeared into non-existence.

**(52)**

**Moral- Yes, Akai has a boomstick. Don't know where she keeps it though. XDD**


	50. Wax

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Wax**

There was a candlemaking party going on on the second floor in the Hellsing household. However, it eventually had evolved into a 'make wax body parts' party. Each person would soak there hand (or other miscellaneous body part) in a bucket of freezing cold water and ice. Then, they would quickly dunk it into a pot of hot, liquid wax. They would layer it about fifty times and then pull it off to create a sort of glove, hand-shaped mold.

Some people were having more fun than others. Shay decided to dunk both hands in wax at the same time, and Pip had ignored the whole hand business and had put the end of his braid in instead. Akai and Integra refrained from the fun altogether and sat at the wall, watching. Alucard was somewhere out of sight, presumably with his video camera. Seras was making only a hand, and Kei was sitting at the end of the table, watching. He wasn't entirely sure what was going on, but when he saw Seras' finished hand, he became excited.

"Kei wants to try!" he chirped, and ran over to the pans of liquid wax. He plunged his hand in, not even noticing that the others had numbed their hands first. He grinned at Shay, who was staring at him with an expression of horror and pain at his expense.

"Uh… Kei? Doesn't that hurt?"

Kei looked at her curiously, then down at his hands. "Uh… UWAH! Akai-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! KEI'S HANDS HURT!!!"

Akai rolled her eyes and moved quickly over to the young werewolf, taking his hand out of the wax and shaking it violently. Droplets of wax flew everywhere, and Pip, Seras, and Shay ducked to avoid them.

Kei whimpered, a lone tear streaming down his cheek. Red wax coated his hand in a thin layer. "Ak-k-kai-samaaa…" he sniffed. "K-Kei's h-hand h-hurts… Why d-does K-Kei's hand h-hurt?"

Akai sighed, smiling slightly. "You can't just stick your hand in liquid wax without numbing it first. Here, let's peel off the wax, and you'll be all better. Okay?"

Kei hiccoughed softly, brown eyes swimming in unshed tears. "O-okay…"

Shay came up behind Kei and put her arm around him. Both hands, normally clad in black gloves, were blue with hardened wax. "It's alright, Kei. Here, you can have one of mine." She looked down at her hands and frowned. "Uh… this could be a problem… I can't get them off…"

Akai snickered. "Need 'assistance', Slut?"

Shay glared at her. "No. Not your kind." She stared warily at the knife in Akai's hand.

Akai grinned evilly. "Oh yes, you do."

Shay's eyes widened and she backed away from the werecat slowly.

**(446)**

**Moral- Akai's 'assistance' includes cutting many, many things with a very sharp knife. XDD**

**A/N- Happy New Year, everyone! Not only that, but this is the fiftieth chapter of this lovely little drabble-series! I expect celebration (AKA lots of lovely little reviews)! 8D**


	51. Slap

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Slap**

Shay had had enough. They were pissing her off, took delight in pissing her off, and tried to piss her off every chance they got.

One day, as she was walking down the hallway, this certain person came up behind her and prodded the back of her head.

She froze.

Suddenly, she whirled around and slapped the person with such force that they flew backwards. Shay grinned and continued walking.

Alucard was left lying spread-eagled on the hall floor, a bright red hand mark on his face, and looking completely stunned.

**(91)**

**Moral- Pissing off a redhead is possibly one of the most dangerous things you can encounter. **

**A/N- Hey all! Just thought I should point your attention to, if you haven't discovered it already, our beloved reviewer blacksand1's story 'The Millennium Files'. It's pretty good- everyone go take a look! 8D**

**-TMMT and K-un**


	52. Hangover

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Hangover**

Pip was sprawled out on the bed, groaning miserably. A bottle stood on his bedside table, and as the man rolled over, he knocked the bottle over to the floor, where it shattered. He yelped quietly and covered his ears, clenching his eyes tightly shut. "Oww…" he moaned.

Kei poked his head in the moment he heard the crash. "Kei heard something break. Is Lady-sama okay?" He was bouncing up and down on his toes, his tail wagging furiously and a huge grin plastered all over his face.

Pip groaned. "'m fine… go 'way…"

"Why?"

"Because…" he muttered, rolling over and burying his head in his pillow. "Go 'way…"

"Why?"

"Urgh…"

"_Why?" _Kei was now jumping on top of the bed and began bouncing, making the mattress jump off its frame.

Pip yelled in surprise, clutching his head. He got up, eyes watering, and backhanded Kei in the face.

Kei yelped and fell off the bed. He whimpered and gazed up at Pip, upset. "Lady-sama…?" he whispered squeakily.

"Go. Away," Pip said again, dangerously.

Tears welled up in the young werewolf's eyes. "AKAI-SAMA!!" he yelled, at the very top of his lungs.

Pip yelled in pain as another throb of pain ripped through his head.

Akai ran in, closely followed by Shay. Akai went in to help the werewolf, but when the redhead saw the situation, she grinned, raced off, and came back with a giant bucket of water. She crept stealthily into the room, up behind Pip, and dumped the water over his head.

Needless to say, Pip got wet.

**(261)**

**Moral-** **Shay's version of a hangover cure normally worsens the ache. And this… really can't be considered a moral, but that's okay.**


	53. Midget

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Midget**

Akai scowled and looked sideways at the ruler next to her. _58, _she thought furiously. _You would think that after 54 years I would have grown another 2 centimeters…_ She glanced at her reflection in the mirror across the room. Everyone else she knew was at least 5 inches taller than she was! WHY?!

A voice called out from the doorway. "Huh. 4'11"."

Akai turned to see Shay smirking at her. "Shut up, SLUT."

Shay grinned. "You're almost a legal midget…"

"I HATE YOU!" Akai roared, and she threw herself at Shay, fingernails turning rapidly into claws midair.

Shay raised an eyebrow as if to say 'yeah, right', and she phased into the floor less than a second before Akai dug bloody little holes into Shay's undead body.

**(128)**

**Moral- Akai is WAY too sensitive about her height. And Shay is way too annoying sometimes. XDD**


	54. Pink

**The Hellsing Files**

**-Pink**

For the first time ever, the werecat and the vampire were on the same side, in agreement with each other. Akai was carrying a large bottle of pink hair dye and Shay was creeping ahead, ensuring that no one else was around.

They reached their destination quickly, opening the door silently. They exchanged glances with each other, smirked, and faced their victim.

The person was sleeping soundly, mouth open slightly and snoring. Shay and Akai grinned. "Ready?" Shay mouthed.

"Let's go," Akai agreed.

Shay nodded. She snuck up behind the sleeping figure, then sprang up and pinned them to their bed. She deftly tied arms and legs behind their back, then made sure to keep on top of them, rolling the figure on to their stomach and keeping their arms pinned.

Akai immediately grabbed the person and took their hair in one hand and the hair dye and water in the other.

The person, by now, had woken up and was yelling at the top of their lungs, but Shay clamped a hand over their mouth. "Hush," she hissed, grinning. "Sleep now." She hit a point at the back of her victim's neck. Akai finished up and scampered away, giggling. Shay stayed behind, erasing the memory of their daytime attack before following the werecat out of the room.

xXx

Alucard woke up that evening, got dressed, and phased into the room of one of his fledglings. She was in the shower at that time, so he waited outside for a short while the water turned off and she got dressed. Suddenly, a shrill shriek ripped through the air as Seras came running out, blonde hair now hot pink. Alucard burst out laughing and took out his video camera.

**(287)**

**Moral- Shay and Akai, when they cooperate, make an EVIL team.**

_KRISH-un- You know it, XDD. Was this making fun of me in some way? (has pink hair)_

TMMT- (stares at) (sarcastic) No way… (smirk)


End file.
